Play the part of the horny couple
by North of the North
Summary: High school story. Mathew's and Ivan's school is performing a play in the style of a horror movie and they are to play the part of the horny couple. Does it matter that they don't even know each other?
1. Chapter 1

Elizaveta had taped up the sheet asking for the people who wanted to be in their school's newest play, a horror comedy movie where they do everything completely wrong to do in a horror movie and yet they all still live in the end.

There were many people that wanted to join. First on the list of names you could read Alfred's name in big block letters. ("A horror movie? I am so in guys, I'll be the hero of the play, totally. This is going to be so great!)

Then there was Mathew. (Mathew: "I might as well join, I've been in all of the drama club's plays so far after all..."

Alfred: "Dude, you are so going to die in the play. You're definitely going to be that one dumb blond that always dies. Ha ha ha, you're so dead man!"

Mathew: "Really Alfred? Why do you have to say things like that? It freaks me out.")

Feliks of course was the next person to join, and he dragged along Toris with him. Alfred made Arthur join after they had left, and the sign-up sheet was abandoned until school had ended and Katyusha had brought her reluctant brother there.

"Come on, Ivan. This will be a good chance for you to have fun and make some nice friends. You haven't been involved in any club activities for the past two years. This year and last year you haven't even tried to do anything inside of your school. Please, before I graduate in a few months, could you please just do this one small play, please?"

Ivan had sighed and nodded. "Fine, I guess I shall do this stupid play then." He had reached forward and scrawled his name in sprawling cursive across the name blank on the paper adding his grade in the space beside his name. Name: Ivan Braginski. Grade 11.

Tryouts for the play would start tomorrow after school as soon as it ended. Everyone would be meeting in the school's gymnasium to go over the parts and choose who would do what.


	2. Chapter 2

Many people came to the gymnasium for their try-outs. All of them were accepted in some way to help with the play. Each person went in there alone and played a piece of a famous part of random well known plays for Elizaveta. She wanted to see what they could do before giving them their roles.

"Why do I have to play Alice's part for this?" Mathew asks from on stage showing Elizaveta the cover of the play he was to read from, Alice in Wonderland.

"Because you're girly and you fit the part. You always look lost and cute. It's not the play we're going to be doing, it's just for right now. So start talking Mattie."

"Oh, okay. Do you really need to be video-taping this?"

"Hush. You're supposed to be talking."

"That doesn't make sense."

"Just read it."

"I'm sorry."

"Of course you are. You're still not reading."

"Right."

The rehearsals finished about an hour after Mathew went. Elizaveta took barely fifteen minutes before she had the results on the door of the gym.

"And I am going to be playing a girl part again."

"You had to do a girl's part?" Mathew's brother Alfred asked. He didn't stop for an answer, he already knew what it would be. "No way dude. It actually kind of fits you though."

"Alfred that's sexist."

"I'm not sexist! Why would you say that?"

"Because you just implied that me having a soft voice, shy attitude, and weak body, as you've described it before, are why I'm doing a girl's part."

"I wasn't talking about that. Okay, maybe I was a little bit. But, I mainly meant your face. It's totally girly."

"That makes me feel so good about myself Alfred."

"Really? Okay. That's good. I have always thought you should have been a girl anyways."

"I was being sarcastic Alfred."

"Oh, I wasn't."

"Alfred."

"But, you are pretty girly."

"Would you like to come to hockey practice later?"

Alfred hesitated. "Are you going to beat me up again?"

"Oh of course not." Mathew's voice was heavy with sarcasm.

Alfred didn't notice that. "Sure thing bro."

"You are completely oblivious Alfred..." Mathew mumbled.

"What'd you say bro?"

Mathew sighed. "Alfie..."

Ivan meanwhile was standing a little bit away from the two staring at the list, particularly at the name that had been written next to his. The name of the person who would be his partner in the play.

'Mathew? Who is that? Isn't that a boy's name? But, that's a girl's part.' Ivan shook his head, then glanced at the sheet again. 'Oh well, that's his problem. Now I just need to find him before the official practice begins so we can practice together and not completely suck. I don't want him to embarrass me.'

He walked away from the gymnasium door as the bell rang and the rest of the students dispersed to their different classrooms to begin their lessons.


	3. Chapter 3

Despite Mathew's many attempts to explain just how VERY busy he was and how he **really** wasn't cut out for the job, he was quickly put in charge of set construction for the play when Elizaveta was going around volun-telling people what to do for it. And, because of the few times he'd gone up onto the school stage to practise his lines, which mainly just consisted of some very non-intelligent phrases consistent with the low-IQ species known as white-trash intermingled between many, many utterances of "honey" and "but sweet pea", Elizaveta and her good friend Kiku had quickly decided that they MUST pair Mathew and Ivan together in absolutely EVERYTHING that they possibly could. So Ivan was Mathew's one and ONLY helper, and he (Mathew) secretly **hated** Elizaveta. But he was well-versed in the art of passive-aggressiveness (because it is an art, okay? It takes years to perfect, I tell you, YEARS. Canadian students, such as him, get their education early on with classes such as "How to be Polite 101" and "This is Why We Love the States and Don't you Dare Suggest Otherwise" in kindergarten. Good times.) so...he knew that the best way to achieve being angry at her, **forever,** AND staying polite was to simply say NOTHING. Because you can never start an argument if you never even start it. (This is a fundamental rule to understand in How to be Polite 101).

When she suggested that Ivan be his helper and vetoed everyone else out that wanted to help with set set-up, in his mind he was garrotting her with her favourite cats intestines, but on the outside he was all smiles and "oh, I would be glad to have Ivan helping me", "I'm really grateful that you want to help me too, Ivan. I'm sure we'll do great together", and "We're probably fine on our own. Don't worry, guys". Unfortunately, he was such a master at passive-aggressiveness that he failed to put any hint of sarcasm into those five sentences and everyone simply smiled, with Ivan doing so in a much more creepy way than what could be considered normal, and gave him empty well-wishes like "you're sure to do REALLY well, Mathew. You're SUCH a good artist so you're bound to get loads done really quickly." Well, you know what? Just because you can DRAW somewhat well does not mean that you can therefore paint super fast countless things that it takes a group of five people hours to finish. There's some laws of REAL-LIFE THINGS happening there that you're trying to go against if you try to suggest otherwise.

So now Mathew was stuck backstage in the art room frantically trying to finish painting the bajillionth (this is now a word.) piece of plywood to resemble the scene of an old abandoned schoolhouse...with Ivan, who was not a very good painter.

Mathew had taken to ordering Ivan around on various miscellaneous projects just so that he could finally get the frustrating set FINISHED because he WASN'T done memorizing his lines, and he HADN'T had much sleep, and it was taking just SO gosh darn long to repaint everything every single flipping time Ivan screwed up and turned to him with an "oopsie" face that he was just DONE with everything. And you know what he did the night before their last practise performance after he'd shooed Ivan out of the school to go and get at least SOME sleep at 2 A.M. (!) after even the janitor had given up on him and skedaddled? That's right. He stayed there finishing the last bits of the set.

So Elizaveta and Kiku's cameras didn't get a whole lot of Ivan and Mathew kissy action going on in their feed (actually, they didn't get any), which they were sorely disappointed about, but at least Elizaveta had remembered, after that first heart-racing rendition of Mathew and Ivan's hand-holding, and later, hugging scene that had forced the two Perverted People to excuse themselves to the washroom to calm themselves down, to go back and change the script (which was another reason why Mathew still hadn't finished memorizing everything) to include more lovey-dovey time between the duo. Much more lovey-dovey time.

So at least some people were happy about the last practise performance happening later that day, but I can tell you rightly enough that it most certainly WASN'T Mathew...or Ivan who only got to have 2 hours of sleep due to a bad case of nerves, the poor baby.

* * *

This probably has a bajillion errors in it, but I don't really care right now because I am still hyped up on my "YES, I JUST FINISHED THREE FINALS, now only three and a half more to go" energy. So, you know what? DO YOU WORST. I am on cloud nine and you can't pop my HABEX balloon...and no one here can truly appreciate that inside-joke, but whatever. S'all fine.


End file.
